i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
