Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
