Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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