Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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