Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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