i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
