4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
