I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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