I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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