Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
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