five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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