Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
