Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
