if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
