Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Couch. On fire.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
