I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
