I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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