Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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