it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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