Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
