i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
