Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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