I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
