i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize