I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
