but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
