You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
