just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
