ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
