So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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