I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
