but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
