just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
