...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I need a burrito and a hug.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
