proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
