Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
