My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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