I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
