Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
