I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
