I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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