I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
