When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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