I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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