You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
