i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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