Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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