And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Randomize
