how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize