All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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