cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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