I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
