Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
