I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
