Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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