Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
