How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
