I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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